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broken constellation
"Books loved anyone who opened them, they gave you secruity and friendship and didn't ask for anything in return; they never went away, never, not even when you treated them badly." · 25 November 2011 · 27 November 2011 · 03 December 2011 · 05 December 2011 · 14 December 2011 · 23 December 2011 · 25 December 2011 · 25 January 2012 · 28 January 2012 · 03 February 2012 · 09 February 2012 · 19 February 2012 · 07 March 2012 · 13 March 2012 · 15 March 2012 · 21 March 2012 · 23 March 2012 · 05 April 2012 · 21 April 2012 · 02 June 2012 · 06 June 2012 · 05 July 2012 · 01 August 2012 · 08 September 2012 · 13 November 2012 · 06 December 2012 · 07 December 2012 · 11 December 2012 · 15 December 2012 · 17 December 2012 · 18 December 2012 · 23 December 2012 · 25 December 2012 · 26 December 2012 · 01 January 2013 · 13 February 2013 · 11 June 2013 · 27 November 2013 · 01 December 2013 · 02 December 2013 · 06 December 2013 · 10 January 2014 · 13 February 2014 · 23 February 2014 · 14 December 2015 · 02 January 2016 · 04 March 2016 · 04 June 2016 · 25 June 2016 · 29 June 2016 |
Diary Of A Wimpy Teen ~ Chapter Twenty-one ~
The fact that I've turned 17 doesn't really pain me, but the fact that I'll be walking into the Gates of Terror tomorrow pains me so much that I have to remind myself almost every minute I don't have nails stabbed into my spine. =x= Okay, maybe that was a little too exaggerated. But there's this overwhelming dread in my stomach. For real. I can feel it growing stronger within me as it begins to feed on my thoughts. Thoughts like will I find a seatmate in class, or will I have to sit alone again, will I be called weird and ugly again, will he ever talk to me again. These thoughts lurk in every dark corner of the school, that's why I hate going back in there.So just forget about what I said on my last blog post, about me missing school and wanting to stay there for another few years as if five years of excruciating torment aren't enough! God, was I crazy?
Guess I was...
Well, besides school and its contained nightmares, I've also been pondering about all the things I managed to accomplish last year. There weren't many, though.
1. Get rid of dandruff (✓)
2. Stop the damn trembling and be a good interpreter (✓)
3. Read the Bible at least twice a week (✕)
4. Stop swearing in school, especially the word that starts with the capital 'F' (✕)
5. Try to keep at least 3 of my best friends' secrets (✓)
6. Get more than 300 followers on Tumblr (✓)
7. Finish my 'Korea 2012' album project (✓)
8. Don't visit the refrigerator more than three times a day (✕)
9. Get straight A's for my final exam (✕)
10. Get HIM back (O)
I did get rid of those snowflakes from my scalp with the help of Selsun Blue, a scalp medication. And I did become a good interpreter, well, sort of. I read the Bible twice a month, sometimes not even once. I couldn't stop swearing in school, 'cause as all of you know my school's filled with rabid donkeys, dysfunctional assholes and drama queens, who should be grateful that I merely muttered a few dirty descriptions about them instead of hurling chairs into their faces. I kept more than 3 secrets - do you have any idea how difficult it was for me? Anyway, I got more than 300 followers on Tumblr, right now, a whopping 665! I finished my album project about 2 months ago. I succumbed to the temptation of food, as always. I only managed to get a shining A+ and four A's on my report card. Last on my list, get him back - the only thing left unknown, the only thing I know I can never be sure of. Ever. sighs* It's complicated, trust me, you wouldn't want to know.
If reading bores you, leaving is always the best option. And I suggest you do it now, 'cause I'm about to start.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Ladies and gentlemen, brave yourselves for the longest blog post of all times! A summary of all little things and big events, a look-back at all heartbreaking moments and strange bits of happiness. A plethora of ludicrous mistakes, inexplicable twists of fate, evanescent joy, untamed laziness, sunshine smiles, philophobia (fear of love), venomous lies, and emptiness wrapped in the bitter aftertaste of remorse. A tribute to the year 2012.
January 2012
~ Was forced into a science-stream class, 4A 'cause I was lucky enough to get straight A's in PMR.
~ Most of my friends were sent to 4B, 'cause they weren't lucky enough.
~ Sat with one of my besties. ~ She then accused me for blackmailing her on Facebook - calling her a slut, telling people her true motives behind every forced smile. She even asked her mom to come over to my place to talk things out. Eventually, my mom had to deal with her. ~ We officially became arch enemies. I moved to a seat beside a guy named Lik Joon. He's been in the same class with me since Form 1, so we practically knew each other pretty well. ~ Aunts and uncles came back from Singapore to visit us during Chinese New Year.
February 2012
~ Lik Joon and I became good friends, and sometimes we had so much to talk about we just couldn't stop.
~ Quite a lot of people began to gossip about us, thinking I was his new girlfriend or something; since he was always the popular one with oceans of girls waiting on him, and I was always the Anonymous Girl. ~ Ex-bestie got her some new friends to replace me, but thankfully I had her replacement as well. ~ And then, there was HIM. Yes, the HIM I mentioned about on my last blog post - just to be clear. We've been neighbors since we were born, we've gone to the same Malay tuition since we were in primary school, we've gone to the same school since we were Form 1, but we've never been in the same class. This year, he was in 4B, and I, 4A. Despite the fact that we've known each other our whole lives, we never talked. Never even said hi. I had always thought of him as this cold, emotionless creature, because...well, I had never seen him smile, or laugh, or pout, or smirk, or grimace, or frown - ANYTHING. He was an epitome of The Expressionless. Until that day. When he helped me to get a chair on the first day of our Chinese class. He smiled.
March 2012
~ Began to feel lonely sometimes, 'cause Lik Joon was always walking around in class, talking to complete strangers as if he had known them forever, making new friends, and doing a great job forgetting old ones; sometimes, he wasn't even in class. So I had no choice but to glue my ass on the chair, keep my head down, and pretend to be so absorbed by the book clasped between my hands that I had forgotten about the world around me. Brilliant.
~ Ex-bestie got all proud and snotty 'cause she had friends and I had none. ~ Escaped to 4B almost all the time 'cause I couldn't bear sitting in a dusty corner alone and pretending to be fine. I was tired of pretending - I had to be real. For once. Whenever I stepped into 4B, I felt like I was home. Everyone was nice to me, especially HIM. ~ Tried my best to study as exams were drawing near, but failed miserably, as expected. I just couldn't focus on my studies, not with all those disastrous things happening around me - old bestie gone, new bestie ran off, real besties all in 4B not 4A, HIM being really nice to me and got me into thinking that he might have feelings for me, and me beginning to wonder if I had feelings for him, too. ~ Skipped two days of school in the midst of exams 'cause I went to Korea with my family. ~ Lik Joon got himself a girlfriend, with my help and advice, of course. So let's do the math: Lik Joon + his new GF = happily ever after. Me = forever alone. I never knew I was a Math Brain. ~ I was walking back home one day when I thought I heard someone calling me from behind. So I turned, and there HE was, smiling and waving at me as if seeing me was the best thing in his entire existence. He was shouting something like Hey wait up, but I just kept walking. Not because I enjoyed being mean, it's because I liked the way he raced down the street just to catch up with me. We talked, and talked, and for the first time in my life, I watched him laugh. He may not be a very good-looking guy, but the way he laughed was really adorable - I loved it. When we reached his front gate, he said goodbye and gave me the sweetest smile. I smiled back and walked straight home (my house is just two blocks down from his). So yeah, I was happy that day. Super happy. LOL*  April 2012
~ Lik Joon moved to sit with his GF - I was officially left ALONE.
~ Started studying for the second exam with hopes of beating ex-bestie down with the glorified fist of straight A's. ~ Felt really lonely in class, 'cause everyone had their own bunch of friends to hang out with, and I didn't. Usually, I'd sneak out of class and find refuge in 4B. But it's not like their teachers were absent everyday. So sometimes, I'd just have to find refuge in the girls' toilet. I counted the minutes...5, 10, 15, 20; then only I walked back to class. 20 minutes not glued to my seat with a idiotically thick novel in hand was enough to make people realize that I actually had able legs. ~ Did a really stupid thing. So stupid I can't help but doubt the existence of my brain. What in the world was I thinking, really? I remember I was in a hurry to get back home, I was furious about something, I don't remember what it is, but it must be a really bad thing, 'cause I was so furious I almost didn't notice his presence. He was walking beside me, trying to keep up with my unusually rapid pace. He said, "Hello!" I didn't reply him. He said it again. I didn't reply him. Then he said it for the third time, "Hellllooooooooo..." He was seriously beginning to get on my nerves. I don't know why, but my subconscious told me to ignore him - completely. So I did. But my next move, was entirely not from my subconscious. I threw him a I don't want you here, leave me alone look, made sure it hurt, and walked away as fast as I could. After that day, everything changed. Everything went back to the way they had been. I went back to being ignorant and unloved, he went back to being expressionless, we went back to being strangers.   ~ Kept myself busy with studies and home projects so I wouldn't have time to think of him. But, in the end, I gave in to thoughts of him. Flooding thoughts. I nearly drowned. ~ Exams swept me off my feet, and I landed with a crash. Because of him. DAMMIT* June 2012 ~ My cousins came all the way from Singapore to visit us. ~ Made a birthday card / paper-heart-dangler for one of my best friends, Shi Man! ~ Participated in the essay-writing competition of 'The Oxford & Cambridge Society of Malaysia English Language Event 2012', but didn't win. sighs* ~ Participated in 'The International Chinese Knowledge Quiz'. The competition was held at SMK Pusat Bandar Puchong. There were quite a lot of representatives from our school, I was one of them, and so was him. It was a shame none of us won, not even a consolation prize. sobs* He stood right in front of me while we were waiting for the bus, I wanted to tap him on his shoulder and apologize to him for that day, but I couldn't even find the courage to look at him. A coward, that's what I was. July 2012 ~ I began to have friends in class. Finally. ~ Still couldn't find the courage to apologize to him. ~ Had a terrific lunch at Geographer's with Pn. Ching, Leah, Shi Man, Wai Hong, and Wan Juan. It was my first time having lunch with a tuition teacher. August 2012 ~ Celebrated Yi Qin's Sweet 16 with Hui Ying and Shi Man. First, we had lunch at a fancy hotel. Then, we went to a recently opened petting zoo called Farm In The City.       
~ Went on a food / part-time job hunt with Shi Man - my sole purpose was to eat.
~ Joined my church's retreat camp. It was a blast - good food, a beautiful beach, lovable friends, and a whole lot of games!
September 2012
~ Was asked to write an article about the retreat camp for the church's newsletter, and I did, of course. How could I miss such a great opportunity, right?!
Now MJYF can reach out!!
Blue iridescent waves, warm sea breezes, exhilarating beach
games… these are what people usually expect from a retreat camp, especially
when the avenue is Selesa Beach Resort, right? Well, everything went
differently as it wasn’t just ANY retreat camp for us, it was Mega Chinese
Methodist Church 2012 Church Retreat Camp, where we laughed, cried, fought;
gorged ourselves with food, rolled in the sun-kissed sand, jumped into swimming
pools with our shirts on, partied till 4am. But most of all…we learnt to reach
out. For a boisterous bunch of teenagers like us, this year’s church retreat
was not just awesome, it was beyond AWESOME; made different by our
inspirational and surprisingly humorous speaker Pastor David Yeow, made
extraordinary by our actors and actresses who put every effort they could
muster into the closing ceremony’s drama, and made wonderful by the one and
only – MJYF’S GOT TALENT!!
A lot of you may be wondering, ‘What is the whole point of
MJYF’S GOT TALENT, anyway?’ To some, this is where unbreakable bonds have been
built, where true friendships have been moulded. I saw how a group of friends
picked each other up when they fell, prayed for each other when they needed to
be heard, shared joy and grief ; together, inseparable. Despite the fact that they
were all participants in MJYF’S GOT TALENT, their friendship never seemed to have
diminished – it grew stronger instead.
Whereas, some may see it as a mere platform for us teens to
discover our hidden talents and find our inner strength; a chance to own the
stage, to shine like stars, to make dreams come true, and to finally be
ourselves. But the truth is, it was much more than that. MJYF’S GOT TALENT
wasn’t just an elastic band that could catapult you into stardom, it was a
force which drove all of us into an amazing discovery of God’s gifts for us.
Each and every one of us has a unique gift; no matter great or insignificant.
For what matters most is how we use them to serve God, reach out to those
around us, and touch their hearts with true Gospel.
Though I was merely a girl in the audience seat, but I’ve
sure learnt a few things myself; I’ve learnt that competition isn’t always
about winning, it’s about growing from the ashes of loss and failure, and along
the way, looking out for one another. I believe that in God’s eyes, we’re all
winners, eagles that are destined to soar across vast horizons and bring the
Gospel throughout the entire nation.
‘As each has received a
gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace’ 1
Peter 4:10
~ Participated in a poster / collage competition organized by Inti College, but didn't win...as always. Read more about it here.
~ After months of silent treatment, he finally talked to me! Well, not the face-to-face sort of thing, he just messaged me on Facebook. But it was already more than I had hoped for. He asked me about the competition: did I win, why didn't I win, was it fun. It was nothing more than an ask-and-reply conversation, but that's not the point. The point is - he actually cared.
~ Hui Ying invited me, Yi Qin, him, and almost all his friends to her church's Mooncake Festival party. We all went, except for him. He told me he wanted to go, but his dad forbade him to leave the house. Guess he got grounded or something. Poor dude.
~ We began to get closer on Facebook. He started being really nice to me, a little too nice. He offered to lend me his tuition notes, saying they might be helpful. Then he began nagging at me. Telling me to sleep early, listing out all the disadvantages of not having enough of sleep, telling me to study hard but not too hard, listing out all the disadvantages of having too much stress. Goodness, he sounded just like my mom. Only it was good nagging.
~ Found out that he SERIOUSLY liked me. But I also found out that he wasn't the only one. It really doesn't take a genius to know.
~ A day after I found out, he sent me a message saying how sorry he was about everything and how he hoped it wouldn't ruin our friendship. I began to get all panicky 'cause I didn't know how to reply him. So, I lied. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about, which apparently I did. He was talking about the things he told Lik Joon to tell me. That he had feelings for me, that he told his best friend about it, that his best friend told him he liked me too, that neither of them was ready for a proper relationship. I don't know why he would tell Lik Joon all these things. After all, they weren't close.
~ I bet he didn't think for a second that I would lie to him, and I bet none of you would think for a second that once a lie has been told, it would never go away. It spreads like a virus, into the deepest recesses of your mind. It aches like physical pain, only it can warp itself into a much worse pain - guilt. I had to carry that burden to school everyday, and it crushed down on my shoulders whenever I saw him. He tried to catch my gaze that day, during Chinese class. I looked away, avoiding his eyes. I knew, once I glanced into them, I wouldn't be able to pull myself away. His noisy friends then started prattling about me and him and what a lovely couple we would make one day. For the love of God, make 'em stop.
~ Prepared myself for the final wave of exams = Buried my head into mounds of reference books and practice sheets, and tried my best not to fall into any thoughts of him.
October 2012
~ The wave appeared to be a tsunami, it attacked the entire student body, the dead were counted, and I was one of them.
~ Stayed up late almost every night to study, even though he told me a million times not to.
~ One night, he offered to stay up late with me. To keep me company. I had told him I needed the last-minute studying and explained a little on how my brain cells always worked better at midnight with the dogs in the neighborhood howling at the moon. He could've chosen his warm bed, but he didn't - he chose to sit in a straight chair and chat with me on Facebook. I could just picture him: yawning, stretching his limbs to keep himself awake, eyelids drooping but fluttering open whenever his phone let out a clear peal, smiling like an idiot whilst reading my message. And I, felt the tiredness draining out of my mortal form whenever I received his reply. Of course, in the end, I was the one who gave in to sleep. I told him I could hardly keep my eyes open, so he said good night and sweet dreams. And guess what, I really did have sweet dreams that night. teehee*
~ Struggled on how to write my testimony for the confirmation. But then Mary gave me a little piece of advice - she being a pastor's daughter and all - that a testimony shouldn't be about impressing people with its grandiloquence, a testimony should be something from the heart to God alone. So, in the end, this is what I came up with:
BEING DIFFERENT
Here I am, a 16-year-old girl sitting in front of her
laptop, typing the very first paragraph of her testimony. But before this, I
was struggling on what to write about. Not that I was reluctant to pen down any
of my thoughts, not that inspiration didn’t strike me on the head...it was
simply because I had nothing in my life that was worth writing about. I
realised that all this time, I had been living an empty and completely aimless
life, a life no different from those teenagers at my school – rebellious,
ruined, materialistic, self-centred. God has opened my eyes to what I couldn’t
see myself, what I was too blind to see – that I was becoming one of them,
becoming part of this sinful world, not of God’s kingdom. Just a few days ago,
my mom reminded me that God has a purpose of placing me on this very spot of
the world, I have a purpose of existing; it’s not to be influenced by the lives
of earthly people, but to influence their lives. And so, I’ve learnt how to
look at the world with God’s point of view, follow God’s ways instead of
fashion’s hottest trends, worship the Almighty Lord instead of phenomenal pop
artists in their madly elaborated costumes.
God has given each and every one of us only one life to
live, and it’s not to be wasted. He wants us to walk the path of righteousness,
bring His word to every corner of the world, live everyday according to His
will not ours. But making a difference has to begin from one single step – be
different.
Matthew 5: 13-16
You are the salt of the earth.
But if the salt loses
its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for
anything, except to be thrown out and trampled
underfoot. You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill
cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a
bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it
gives light to everyone in the house.
~ My birthday, unfortunately, fell in the midst of the exam, but it sure didn't dampen my mood - Mary made me heart-shaped cookies for my birthday, I received wishes from 110 people on Facebook - he was one of them, and I had the most wonderful dinner with my family at T.G.I Friday's. All in all, it was a SWAG-nificnet SIXteen for me (Sweet 16 is too cliche).
 
November 2012
~ After one whole month of torment brought by the treacherous tsunami, I declared my own holiday and allowed myself to indulge in sheer laziness - endless hours of TV, Tumblr addiction, a heavy dose of We Heart It, and midnight snacks.
~ The official year-end holiday started!
~ Started going for Chemistry and Physics tuition at ERA, where I would have to see...GULPS* him.
~ I couldn't stop thinking about him - the way he used to smile at me, the way we used to be, the way things were... Even though we talked on Facebook quite a lot, but it still wouldn't break the invisible barrier between us whenever we see each other. Then I came to realize that, all this time I was the one that had been building that barrier, I was the one that had been blocking him out. Unintentionally. My subconscious locked itself away into a seismic void to prevent the other parts of my mind from invading it - I was that defensive. Because love, scares me to death, makes me weak and vulnerable. Me. Afraid to fall in love, yet desperate to. But once I do, I would block that person out, just as I did to him.
~ Hui Ying dragged me to her church's Family Day. From the look on my face, you can tell that I was pretty reluctant to be there.
 
~ Went to IOI Boulevard with Shi Man for a girls' day-out!
~ Finally took the nerve to check my year-end exam results, and guess what... 1A+, 4A's, 2B's, 1C, and 2D's. Awfully terrible, but better than I had expected.
~ Made this anchor-shaped birthday card for daddy - he said he loved it!
~ Spent an entire week in Taiwan with my family.
~ He asked me a lot of things about Taiwan - the food, the weather, the people, places to get a good bargain. I told him I would be more than happy to give him some of the souvenirs I had bought in Taiwan, but the problem is...I couldn't think of the perfect way to give them to him. Leaving them on his porch seemed stupid, handing them to him at tuition in front of all his friends seemed like a suicide mission - I was left with no better options, but to lie. The perfect lie: I wasn't at home. Grandpa thought it was a bag of garbage so he threw it away. The garbage truck came after a few minutes. Soon enough, the garbage truck was gone. Great. He fell for it.
December 2012
~ Watched 'Life Of Pi' with daddy, sis and aunt. Read more about it here.
~ Went to 'Big Bad Wolf Sale' and bought 6 books. Read more about it here.
~ Received an early Christmas present from Aunty Lisa - Famous Amos' Christmas Special!
~ Finally had my confirmation after four consecutive weeks of classes.
~ Made a kitty + fishy -themed birthday card for Mary 'cause she's a cat lover.
~ Went to a Christmas party organized by my church's youth fellowship.
~ Had an AWESOME girls' day-out with Shi Man on Christmas Eve.
  
~ Christmas came soundlessly this year - no deafening booms of fireworks, no Christmas carols heard around the neighborhood, no special invitations to Christmas countdowns. In the morning, we went to church. In the evening, we had dinner and then we watched a Christmas musical. Read more about it here.
~ Wished him Merry Christmas on Facebook, and it took him two days to reply me. =_=
~ Went to my parents' friend's wedding at Sitiawan.
~ After the wedding, we headed to Ipoh and did a little touring on our own.
  
The End of 2012.
Sooooo...I finally defeated the laziness within me and took the effort to list down my 2013 resolutions. Here they are:
1. Find a good seatmate in class 'cause I don't wanna sit alone again this year.
2. Smile more, even if it means faking it.
3. Start being a little more hardworking, especially when it comes to homework.
4. Be a better Christian - read the Bible at least once a week.
5. Make some new friends.
6. Keep old ones.
7. Cut down the frequent midnight trips to the refrigerator.
8. Fix my sun-dried, damaged hair.
9. Get rid of all my gray hair.
10. Go to bed before 12 a.m. 11. Score straight A's for SPM. 12. Curb procrastination. 13. Dye my hair (mom mustn't know 'bout this). 14. Get a Volkswagon 'bug car' after passing the driver's test. 15. Do something CRAZY, something I wouldn't have the guts to do. 16. Get him to talk to me again, like he used to. Labels: life is a roller-coaster, moments stay forever, new year fever, wimpi-ness |
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